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Letters to the Church or Media
An
American writing to the Boston Herald about
Cardinal Law
Dear Editor:
I am not satisfied with the comments of Cardinal Law in
the latest round of child-rape allegations against a
Roman Catholic priest ("Breach of trust: Cardinal
`sickened' by rape charges vs. Geoghan", by Andrea
Estes, Friday, December 3, 1999).
Law has made some movement towards a sense of compassion
to those victimized by the church from the days when he
lashed out at victims and the media during the James
Porter scandal. But, he is still being disingenuous
– or he is deluding himself – when he denies
that the church did anything wrong in moving Geoghan and
other clerics when confronted with complaints of child
molestation. He argues that they did not understand the
"mental health" issues 10, 20 and 30 years ago.
I would ask the good cardinal if they understood the
moral and legal right and wrong of the rapes of children.
Would their reaction to theft of church funds have been
guided by their understanding of the mental health issues
involved?
Law says he sympathizes to those estranged from the
church. Again, he is not being truthful to himself or to
the public. By definition, the church teaches that the
road to salvation is through participation in the Roman
Catholic faith. Therefore, those estranged from the
church are barred from salvation. Would not the more
compassionate response then be to seek out victims, to do
whatever it takes to mitigate the harm inflicted by the
church and somehow offer a path back to salvation?
Thirty-five years ago, I was one of the many thousands of
children being sexually exploited by Roman Catholic
clergy. When I approached the church in 1994 – when
they were presumably less enlightened – I was lied
to and I was treated with disrespect and a total lack of
compassion. I am still waiting for some meaningful
response.
The
mother of two abuse victims writing to the perpetrator,
who had been a family friend as well as their priest
and her supporter in dealing with her own
childhood clergy abuse
June 4,1996
"Father" PP
I cannot BELIEVE that 7 months have gone by...7 long,
agonizing, destructive, painful, sorrowful, lonely, lost
months. And STILL, you are playing your f*cking games of
"not being able to face us".
PP, I am SO sick, so VERY sick and tired of being treated
by you & by your diocese as if it were OUR fault that
all of this happened. I begged you earlier this winter to
write to us, to please DO the least you could do (and
give back at least some of what you've stolen from this
family) by having the guts and the heart to communicate
with us. But no..you have been the epitome of
selfishness, pride and greed.
How the hell can you tell ____and ____that you can't face
US?! What the hell have WE done to ever, ever, EVER make
you feel you COULDN'T face us??
How dare you go to ___when I have sat here for all these
months, unable to function, to move forward, to heal.
While I sat here & watched my family fall apart over
and over again. While I have actually writhed from the
pain of all you have taken and destroyed and stirred up,
trying to understand that you did this KNOWING full well
how fragile and depressed (Son#2) was, KNOWING full well
what I'd been through and what it would do to me to live
it again through my precious children AND to lose all
that I'd entrusted you with. KNOWING full well that
(Son#1) had also already been through the molesting mill
and KNOWING the painful, difficult insecurities and
heartaches that he has suffered & still had not dealt
with yet. KNOWING full well that (my husband)'s childhood
was fractured & unhealed from his experience of
incest. PP, who the hell do you think you ARE that you
can have such knowledge and ADD to the wounds this family
already was trying to endure?
I have watched my kids go through an emotional
earthquake. Everything I tried to protect them from, I
ended up HANDING to them by taking YOU into our family.
None of us deserved what you did, but especially not
these 2 children. I TRUSTED you with my heart. With my
soul. With my past. WITH MY CHILDREN.
You lied to me so many friggin times, PP. I believed you,
even after the molestations, when you swore that you
would walk a spider web across hell for this family and
do whatever it takes to help us heal. And the very day
that you and I said our goodbyes, I find out that you
lied about what you've done! You LIED to your own
brother, you lied to the Bishop, you lied to __, ___, you
lied to ME and to (my husband) and to countless,
countless others. And that enabled you to walk away from
here with armsfull of support and love and encouragement.
To leave being adored and pitied by a parish who was
bullshitted in a most cruel, cold, Christless way by the
pastor and bishop that they loved and adored.
You just quietly and conveniently disappeared and left ME
to clean it all up for you. I was your mother and your
sister and your ally and your friend and your soulmate, I
was your lifeline, your therapist, your confessor, your
secretary...I was so many things...or so I thought. But
in reality, I was just your biggest fool. I provided you
with your victims, I provided you with your
opportunities, I provided you with your alibis. I
provided you with your deepest and most formidable
support and love and protection. I do not regret having
stayed by your side, or talking you into staying alive or
ministering to you in your shame. You were FAMILY. I felt
like I COULD continue to be (to you) everything that I
had always been...because I BELIEVED you would do the
right things to repair the lives you broke. I BELIEVED
you when you said you would NOT abandon us. I BELIEVED
you when you said you would stand before ANYONE and tell
them what you had done. What I DIDN'T believe was that
you were capable, willing and hellbent on proving that
you could be a pedophile priest and get away with it -
destroying a family & a community without any
intention of restitution or apology or accountability.
You just manufactured one lie after another after another
to cover your dirty, selfish tracks. You LIED the night
we confronted you - you admitted only to those things we
knew at the time. And then you acted like we were so
treasured by you that you just couldn't lie to us
anymore. You had the perfect chance to tell us EVERYTHING
and STILL be loved by us! We NEEDED to love you. We
needed to NOT be overcome by bitterness & betrayal
and pain. But you wouldn't even give us that much. You
and ___(my perp) have taken everything you could get your
CONSECRATED hands on...our hearts, our church, our
families, our friends, our sanity, our lives... All
because you were too damned PROUD to let (my family) see
the "real you". Where the hell is the CHRIST in
you??? You CONTINUE to let pride keep you from doing the
right things! You CONTINUE after all the grief &
wounds & broken families & lost jobs & lost
souls you created by putting YOUR pride first. And STILL,
you go right on doing the same thing these 7 months
later! Still, YOUR pride is more important than OUR
HEALING. Yet, you can lie to those you DO communicate
with & tell them this all stems from you putting
EVERYONE ELSE'S needs BEFORE your own??? That is a damned
lie. You made SURE you satisfied your own
needs...emotional, spiritual, physical, sexual...you took
what you wanted & then held yourself up as the
sacrificial, martyred young priest who was so
overburdened & so overworked & overwhelmed. I
agree that you were overwhelmed - overwhelmed by the path
of lies and deceit and deviances that you wove through my
family. Overwhelmed by the fears that one day we'd find
out and the gig would be up. THAT was your burden. Not
getting caught became a full time job, leaving little
room for the energy it would take to be honest with
anyone who cared about you.
I have a lot, a LOT of problems with Bishop ___, but one
thing I can't fault him on...you lied to HIM every step
of the way too. You used him & took advantage of him
and groomed him to trust you too. You used to tell me he
was "dumb as a fox". YOU were the sly one. YOU
were the one working the crowds and wearing two masks.
YOU were the one who was too big a baby to admit to
Bishop __ that you wanted to stay here and be pastor so
you could continue to be self-absorbed, continue to be
the recipient of adulation, continue to satisfy your
desires by nurturing a relationship with some naive
trusting family.
You OWE this family. We don't expect you to continue to
pretend that you love us, but I DO expect you to offer to
your victims the healing that they rightfully deserve.
The diocese is paying for your therapy, your food, your
insurance, your incidentals, AND your sins. When are YOU
going to start taking some responsibility for your
actions and for your self? When are YOU going to quit
hiding & running away & come face the people who
were your family for almost five years? You OWE this
family an open link to communicating with you, PP. We
included you in EVERYTHING. It was THIS family who made
sure you weren't alone when you were sick or who made
sure your birthday or anniversary or Christmas or trip to
your Dad's were events that were spent with people who
loved you, who understood you, who were a part of you,
who accepted you (the good & the bad) and who allowed
you to be "yourself" (hah!). We, particularly
ME, tried to give you everything your mother or
grandmother or aunt or brother or whomever DIDN'T give to
you. And in thanksgiving and love, you crush me under
your heel and walk away.
I've had people tell me repeatedly that you had this all
planned. That it was pre-meditated and methodical. That
you scoped out my children and wedged your way into our
lives, feigning love and family...all so that you could
gain our full trust, so you could get close enough to us
that we would never suspect that you would violate our
children.
And they WERE children, PP. How many, many, MANY times
did YOU tell me that, PP? How many times did you say
"They're little boys, ______". And you sat
there at the first staff meeting, with ME holding your
hand and you blurted out "I am NOT a
pedophile". No one said you were, but I certainly
took note that YOU'D said it & I took note that you
felt it necessary to defend yourself against the truth
that was fast on your heels. Why aren't you a pedophile?
What separates YOU from the rest of them? Certainly not
your roman collar. Certainly not your reputation. You sat
in the rectory the night we confronted you &
volunteered to (my husband) that you were sexually
aroused when you'd wrestle with (Sons1&2) on ______
Street. PP, they were FOURTEEN years old! They were fresh
out of the 8th grade! They WERE INDEED "little
boys". Their voices hadn't even changed yet! And you
say they turned you on! You were 26 years old, an adult,
a male...and they were 14 yr. old CHILDREN. That DOES
make you a pedophile, Mr _____. That also makes you a
priest who was AWARE that he was in a situation that was
unhealthy & dangerous and you did not back away. You
drew closer. You drew closer and closer and CLOSER. You
had a choice THEN to step back and get help, to explain
the situation to us and the Bishop, to seek therapy or to
leave the priesthood and find an ADULT homosexual LOVER.
You CHOSE to become a part of this family & to ignore
the thoughts, feelings, truths, desires, and intentions
inside of you. That, Mr ____, makes you a pedophile who
preys and selects opportunities, victims and alibis. And
now, you think you'll just mosey on back to this diocese
& sit in confessionals with little boys or teenage
boys? You think that people in this diocese don't know or
haven't heard? Do you think it's FAIR and HOLY to subject
other people who have already been molested or raped or
abused by a priest or loved one to have to come to YOU
and have to trust YOU? Yes, people like me and them DO
have to re-learn to trust, to forgive, but I defy you to
tell me that it's healthy or holy to force them to deal
with a pedophile priest, to force them to be comfortable,
to be trusting, to be fearless. Every time you run across
a poor soul like me or Son #1 or Son#2 or my husband,
you're a reminder of the dark, gaping wounds of
molestation or rape or abuse. When a school principal
molests his students no one is saying "but we can't
lose him as a principal! He's so good with the budget!
He's so good with the parents! Our children have such
high grade point averages!" Yet, because you are a
priest, pitiful catholics are shamed into believing that
to pull YOU from the church is akin to spitting on God.
I have learned so much since the days when I too shared
that fear, that guilt, that shame. But I no longer
BELIEVE that to pull you from the priesthood would be an
affront to God OR to His work. To the contrary, I do not
believe that men who have the problems you have can
function in a pastoral environment. It is dangerous for
the children & parishioners & it is dangerous for
you. Not everyone is like me. Not everyone who knows what
you've done is willing to shed tears for you and continue
to love you. Pedophilia and perpetrators of sexual
assaults push the panic, fear, hate and revenge buttons
on MANY people in this world, PP. And you're an idiot if
you think the world will make a hero out of you for
"going back into the battlefield". You're just
putting yourself first before a lot of wounded people.
Again. Going back into the priest business because that's
what YOU want.
What about the rest of us, PP? When do you start paying
attention to what your desires and drives do to others?
I'm not saying you can't still be a tool of God's. You
have much to give I'm sure, but common sense says you
can't do it from the place you want to do it from. It
isn't prudent, it isn't healthy, it isn't fair to those
who would be damaged by it.
I know you obviously don't care what I think, but I'm
going to tell you anyway. I think you CAN be of use to
God, AND that you CAN do it from the halls of the
catholic church. But not as a parish priest. If you have
any guts and any compassion and any true martyrdom in you
at all, you will be the designated black sheep - the
priest who RECOGNIZES and RESPONDS to his sins by being
the one who is called to speak, to minister, to EDUCATE
other priests, parishioners and victims of priests like
yourself. You should be the one that scared, off-the-edge
priests go to BEFORE it's too late. You should be the one
that goes to the parishes where the priests have been
removed & TALK to them, tell them what was going
through your mind, tell them the mistakes you made, the
signs to look for, the red flags you saw & ignored,
the chances you had to get help, the trouble that
ensued...tell your story. BE real. BE CHRISTLIKE and give
back to those who are hurting, those who are despondent,
despairing, hopeless, bleeding, broken, ruined,
destroyed. Use your GIFTS God gave you to RIGHT your
wrongs. Not to perpetuate them. You could end the madness
if you had the balls to stand up and do what Christ would
have you do to RECTIFY and to RECONCILE yourself with His
people. If the catholic church had ANY sense at all,
they'd use YOU to tell the world that they are NOT afraid
of being honest, upfront, accountable and WILLING TO HELP
THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN WOUNDED TO FIND HEALING.
Do you have the courage and the wisdom and the desire to
truly SERVE God? Is the church really courageous and
loving enough to put one of their own out there and
educate the Catholic population? I'll believe it when I
see it. If you EVER find the courage, call me. I'd be the
first in line to stand beside you and tell it from the
other side.
Until that happens, I guess my family is stuck in
suspended animation - being the enemy, having to beg for
help from the church, having to beg you to do what you
should have done in the first place...all we ever did was
LOVE you, PP. Love you and trust you and help you. In
return, you've given me a life of utter chaos, of
complete upheaval and betrayal & little hope of
finding resolution. Little hope of separating you from
the priest who raped me, little hope of ever being a part
of a church family again, little hope of being anything
but provoked by the catholic church that I once held so
dear. I can't trust ANYBODY anymore, PP. I gauge
everything by you. If YOU could molest my children, what
could make me think that ____ could be trusted? If YOU
could lie about things so profoundly important, why
couldn't anyone else? I don't trust the world I live in
anymore. And YOU sit on your ass down south, taking time
for yourself, telling _______ how great the help you're
getting is. Well, I'm just thrilled, you son of a bitch,
that you've had such a productive and progressive 7
months on your "sabbatical". Hell, PP, your
diocese PROVIDES you with all the help you want...and
even before you blew it, you were surrounded with the
luxuries of retreats, of priests' support groups, of room
and board without worry. You have a problem? Ask Uncle
Bill (the Bishop) and your wish is his command. Plus, you
share the damned secret world of half of your brotherhood
being just like you. You could have gone to dozens of
diocesan priests and told them you were gay or that you
had desires towards children and they would have said
they understood and didn't judge you - BECAUSE they have
the very same desires and drives or deviances. It's a
brotherhood of enablers and darkness and cover your ass.
You had it made in as far as not having to feel isolated,
or alone or different or dirty. You were just too proud
to admit you ARE one of the brotherhood of pedophiles and
homosexual priests. Any one of them would have given you
an ear and a shoulder to lean on, so don't tell ME that
you put anyone but yourself and your satisfactions first.
You satisfied YOUR desires all along and lied to us and
let us etch you in our hearts. Even now we can't hate
you. And oh, how I want to.
I have to fight and fight to find sanity in this mix of
horror...I cannot find the balance between loathing you
and loving you. If I could CHOOSE to NOT love you, I
would. I AM that angry, that hurt, that ruined by all
you've done to us. And, the added insult that you would
allow ME to minister to you, to support you, to keep YOU
alive and filled with hope until you get to (New Mexico)
(and even after). All the while, you kicked back and lied
to my face, knowing all along that once you got the hell
out of Dodge, my family was history. Interesting that you
wrote us two letters after you left...and how they
suddenly STOPPED after I'd written to you asking you to
come clean and to tell me, upfront, in your own words,
exactly what you did to my kids. As long as we were in
the dark, you played the family game...but as soon as I
found out the truth & called you on it and begged you
to accept the opportunity to communicate, we never heard
from you again. Coincidence? In your dreams. Your last
letter to us said you would not abandon us. Another
bald-faced lie. Another trick to pacify us while you get
what YOU wanted. You HAVE abandoned us, PP. You and your
whole group of "holy men"...we got not a word
of apology, not an offer of prayer, not a gesture of
compassion or guidance or support or comfort or spiritual
encouragement. We were treated like outcasts, like
enemies, by you, by Fr.----, by Fr----, by Bishop-----,
and by Fr.----. So much for the diocesan policy that
ensures victims and their families and the parish will be
immediately ministered to by a pastoral support team.
We're still waiting.
Meanwhile, YOU'VE had 7 months of help at your service.
You've had all the therapy, encouragement, support, mail
you wanted. You haven't had to cook or clean or care for
anyone but YOU. You haven't had to talk to anyone you
didn't want to talk to. You haven't had to face anybody
or anything. You could sit on your fat ass and collect
the well wishes from people who adored you and didn't
know that you did something so heinous to a fellow
parishioner. You have been able to walk away and leave
all the muck and filth and faces and past behind. WE had
to STAY here. We don't have the luxury of leaving town
and letting someone else straighten everything up for us.
WE have had to FACE people, questions, accusations,
rumors, lies, and everything and everyone else that has
come down the pike. We haven't had someone pay our bills
or hold our hands while we take time to sort out our
lives. OUR lives have had to go on and we've had to limp
and stumble and fall through each day without anyone
taking care of us or telling US to take 7 months off and
when we're ready, we can walk back into the world rested
and rehabilitated and revered. It was my husband and I
who had to plead and cry and beg for someone to help the
parishioners. It was he and I who gathered the wounded
and tried to help them through it with our own healing
service. It was he and I who were willing to bare our
souls and our private lives to shed some honesty and
sense on a horrifying situation. It was he and I who have
had to spend sleepless nights worrying about whether our
children would make it through another day, another
rumor, another panic attack, another suicide attempt,
another agonizing loss, another friend walking away,
another week without worshipping in our home parish,
another moment with the vicious and cold Fr.--- or
Fr.----, another sweaty session with a lawyer, another
medical appointment for the pain and manifestations
caused by severe stress...where the hell were YOU, PP?
Fed, cared for, protected, consoled, encouraged, able to
have the Eucharist anytime you felt like it, able to pick
and choose who got your phone number and who didn't, who
you would write to and who you wouldn't...a million miles
from the rubble of the earthquake that YOU caused in this
community,and particularly, in MY FAMILY.
How DARE you be so smug, so selfish, so self-absorbed, so
self-assured, so greedy, so demanding and controlling of
those whom you've hurt the most. You've talked to (your
family) and to --- and to (your spiritual
advisor/priest)..and had the audacity to wall off (MY
FAMILY) - the very people who cannot move forward or
backward until you decide you'll see them or communicate
with them. A snivelling, deceitful, perverted Judas. Now
I understand the kiss on the cheek.
As I was writing this, (the Chancellor) returned my
husband's call and I was once again placed in the
position of not having the luxury of choosing when and
who I will communicate with. I had to beg, cry, shout and
finally DARE (the Chancellor) to FIND the Christ within
himself and respond to this family like a human being,
like a PRIEST. You belong to a brotherhood of some of the
most dis-spiritual, dysfunctional, unfeeling,
manipulative, cold, fearful people I have ever come into
contact with. All so afraid of the real world that
they'll do anything to protect the brotherhood, to cover
the church's ass, to insult and belittle and rub salt in
the wounds of bleating, bleeding sheep. It is a
brotherhood of frightened, petty, immature, selfish,
sneaky, greedy, pompous, dysfunctional and displaced men
who take what they want and do what they will and hide
behind the robes of a Christ they do not know or even
recognize when they encounter him. They'll stoop to cover
the sins of a wayward priest before they will stoop to
embrace the broken body and soul of a wounded secular
Christian.
I am DEMANDING that you BE a man, BE a holy priest, BE a
member of humanity and pull your weight in this horrific
mess. And I demand that you forward your address &
phone number so that WE will decide when you're ready to
deal with us - 'cause buddy, we've EARNED that control
over you. You'd BETTER be willing and ready to hear what
Son#2 has to say to you, to hear what Son#1 has to to say
to you, to hear what my husband & I have to say to
you.
If I am to believe that you ARE indeed my worst
nightmare, that you ARE nothing BUT a liar and a
pedophile and a thief, that you staked us out and used us
like expendable dolls, then I am also to believe that I
will never hear from you again.
Only an asshole and a coward would CONTINUE to run from
those whom he has damaged. Prove you AREN'T and BE
accountable for your actions, PP. If you DIDN'T plan all
of this, say so. If we don't receive word from you to the
contrary, then I shall understand that you do not dispute
that you are soul-less, careless, loveless, mindless,
christless and without conscience. I will understand that
it IS exactly how it looks: You used my children and my
family. You intentionally inflicted extreme and cruel
emotional distress, you had a plan - you carried out that
plan - then you ran away to leave us standing in a pool
of our own blood. You robbed us of all that we held most
treasured and dear...and then you abandoned us to a life
of bandaging wounds that can never heal. I don't WANT to
believe that, but I haven't seen a single shred of
evidence to the contrary. And I don't know HOW to live
with that kind of knowledge about you.
"Wounded Mother"
Main page * Site map and search * Info about me * Info for survivors * Info about abuse * Info about churches * General info * My story * Survivors' bill of rights * Forgiveness and apologies * Perpetrator list * Email me